Monthly Archives: March 2011

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

It’s difficult to predict how this will impact society, but… ah, well, no it’s not.  This is the fucking end of days:

CHICAGO — Add “Facebook depression” to potential harms linked with social media, an influential doctors’ group warns, referring to a condition it says may affect troubled teens who obsess over the online site.

Depression among teenagers is no surprise.  No high school is complete without it’s cache of cliques, internal conflicts and hazing.

But the Huffington Post does raise a good point:

With in-your-face friends’ tallies, status updates and photos of happy-looking people having great times, Facebook pages can make some kids feel even worse if they think they don’t measure up.

It can be more painful than sitting alone in a crowded school cafeteria or other real-life encounters that can make kids feel down….

The trials and tribulations of high school are no longer limited to locker room wedgies, vicious beat downs and cafeteria seclusion.  Now, the Kung Fu grip of teenage angst reaches right into your bedroom.  Your happy place doesn’t sound very happy anymore, does it?

Aside from debating the reality of Facebook Depression (it doesn’t take the American Academy of Pediatrics to figure out that “in-your-face friends’ tallies, status updates and photos of happy-looking people having great times” can make a left-out kid feel depressed), these kids are becoming more concerned with their online personas than they are with real life.  It’s not enough to fuck the prom queen anymore – you need to have more friends than her on Facebook.

I’ve said before that one’s social media presence is a subconscious projection of one’s ideal self image.   When you’re a teenager,  going through massive changes and drama, what have you got if not your ideal, INTERNAL self image?  By projecting it into the social web you’re opening yourself up to scrutiny or comparison.  Some of these kids are just putting themselves out there and they don’t stand a chance.

What are we going to do when this generation of sad clowns become responsible for real world issues?  I wish I could make some humor out of it, but all I can think of is that we’re fucked.

Beef Supreme is Editor-in-Chief of the Idiocratic Post.

Sight for Sore Eyes

Plastic surgery could be one of the most outlandish things our fiendish, judgmental culture has brought upon itself.  And sometimes, dear readers, it goes wrong:

A [North Jersey] woman claiming a plastic surgeon’s negligence in giving her cosmetic eyelid surgery has left her unable to blink testified in state court Thursday that the surgeon never warned her of the risks and dismissed her complaints following the procedure.

First of all, NorthJersey.com, take a breath.  That’s a  beast of a sentence.

I guess I don’t see why this is a bad thing?  Marilyn Leisz can make tons of money by winning staring contests in bars across America.  And she doesn’t have to worry about missing anything, unlike like Steven Tyler, who is on record stating that he does not, by any means, want to miss a thing.

Despite the positives,  Leisz is distraught.

She can no longer do things like swim, watch television for long periods, play tennis or sleep with her eyes completely closed, she said. What’s more, she testified, the condition has made her lose self-esteem.

Dare I suggest that if this woman was seeking plastic surgery in the first place, she already had low self esteem?

Raul Pendergast covers North Jersey for the Idiocratic Post.

Shot in the Dark

It doesn’t get much more idiocratic than this:

A Radio Shack owner in Montana has upped foot traffic at his Hamilton store by offering free guns for new satellite television subscribers, according to a local paper.

Photo Credit: CNN

FREE GUNS!  They must have run out of free bibles.

But wait, there’s more:

If you don’t want a gat or can’t pass the background check (which the Republic reports is also free with the satellite TV subscription), you can still have a $50 Pizza Hut gift card.

First off, kudos to CNN for using the word “gat.”  Second, $50 free Pizza Hut gift card?  This promo appeals to NRA members AND fast foodies!  Or both:

In related news, the number of “dine-and-ditch” cases at Montana Pizza Huts have nearly doubled….

Montana is not in Canada

$50 is probably more than a Montana family makes in a month.  Do satellite dishes even work in Montana?  I thought TVs out there were like when Budnick and Michael faked being sick and stayed at camp instead of going on the beach trip.

Thanks to you, Montana and Radio Shack, for speeding up the transition to idiocracy.

Couldn’t pass up including this:

Beef Supreme is Editor-in-Chief of the Idiocratic Post.

Acapulc-Oh No!

Seems that unmitigated violence in Mexico has had a negative impact on spring break in Acapulco:

Eighteen bodies were found in a shallow grave in the municipality of Tunzingo, Guerrero, about an hour by car from Acapulco. The discovery, made in November, appeared to be a massacre by a drug cartel. Shootings, executions and even beheadings have happened in the city in recent weeks.

Fifteen headless bodies were found in January outside a mall not far from the tourist area. There were 1,010 violent deaths in Acapulco in 2010, up from 843 in 2009 and 724 in 2008, according to the Acapulco morgue. With more than 300 deaths this year, Acapulco is on pace to break last year’s record.

Sounds like paradise, right?

Not for nothin’, but it’s March 29.  That means there have been 300+ deaths in Acapulco in 88 days.  That means that approximately 4 people have been violently murdered in Acapulco every day so far this year.

You might as well vacation in Newark, NJ.

Immo git you, sucka

Listen, Acapuco has another issue that these kids need to worry about.  It’s  called Montezuma’s Revenge.  You’re literally boozing like there is no tomorrow, surrounded by thousands of 18-20 year old maniacs with the same intention: get as fucked up as possible because you’re in a different country and it’s legal.  You will, at some point, forget that it’s NOT OK to drink the water.  Next thing you know you’re pulling a Farley in the airplane bathroom, sweating bullets and hallucinating a conversation with Helen Hunt about Twister.

If you’re somehow attached to Acapulco tourism, don’t fret:

Hotels, tourism operators and related business have joined forces for a campaign to talk up the city. All over in Acapulco, especially in tourist areas, are posted signs that say “habla bien de Aca,” which means “speak well of Aca” (short for Acapulco). The signs have been posted in major thoroughfares as well as in shopping malls, restaurants, nightclubs and attractions.

That’s the ticket.  Tired of headless bodies piling up in your front yard?  Launch a word of mouth campaign.  That will bring the U.S. college students back in droves.

I need to hire the guy who sold them on that program.

Grunge Harris is the Mexico Correspondent for the Idiocratic Post.  Contact him at GrungeHarris@gmail.com.

 

‘Tis the Season

Forget about groundhogs, the vernal equinox or Sophie B. Hawkins.  We’re less than 4 full days away from the official start of spring:  MLB opening day.

And as baseball kicks into high gear, us New Yorkers prepare to be annoyed by incessant, rambling Boston Red Sox fans who bitch and moan that the Yankees are trying to buy a championship with their astronomical payroll.

Even the little ones are a nightmare.

This year is a little different, however.  We all know about the Red Sox’ spending spree this offseason, in spite of it’s “scrappy” fan base.  Do we complain?  No.  In the uber-competitive AL East, it’s a fact of life.

But today, my interest was piqued by an article on the Worldwide Leader about Baltimore Orioles manager Buck Showalter criticizing the Red Sox of the same crime most pin on the Yankees (god forbid): overspending.

I applaud Buck for stirring the sauce, but regardless of what he says in March, the Orioles will be irrelevant come June.

With the Yankees and Red Sox payrolls well into 9 digits, is there really an argument that one is worse than the other?  They both spend more in one year than you or I will ever make.

My real gripe is with ESPN’s headline:

“Terry Francona annoyed by comments”


THAT is the headline?  That Terry is annoyed?  Am I reading the fucking Onion, or ESPN?  What’s next?  Francona has Special K for breakfast; upset clubhouse manager bought skim milk?  Francona drops hot dog at barbecue, family irate?  Terry and Dustin’s hot night out?

Let’s look at how articles about payroll are typically word-smithed when the Yankees are involved:

Anyone else see the disconnect?

When asked for comment, Joe Girardi said “beep bop boop bop beep” and  rolled away.

Beef Supreme is Editor-in-Chief of the Idiocratic Post.

Language Barriers

Special thanks to Dominic Boach for sending this one in.

Today’s sure sign of an idiocratic apocalypse?

OXFORD, England — Here’s some news that might just make you LOL. The Oxford English Dictionary Thursday added popular buzz words OMG and LOL to its revised online edition.

The expressions were selected for publication in the Oxford English Dictionary (OED) Online along with other popular terms IMHO (in my humble opinion), TMI (too much information) and BFF (best friends forever).

Read the full scoop here.

And thus, we continue our steady dilution of the English language.  Haven’t I heard this before?  Dear readers, need I remind you about Idiocracy’s uncanny prediction?

Narrator: Unaware of what year it was, Joe wandered the streets desperate for help. But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valleygirl, inner-city slang and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to them.

At this rate, English will be completely devolved by 2050, not 2505.  And oh yea, Mike Judge looks like Nostra-fucking-damus right now.

Beef Supreme is Editor-in-Chief of the Idiocratic Post.

Skout’s Honor

As technology becomes increasingly more sophisticated, we’re often presented with odd juxtapositions.  And most of the time, sex is at the forefront of any technological advancement.

Pornography is often considered as one of the driving forces behind the early expansion of the world wide web. Pornographic images had been transmitted over the Internet as ASCII porn but to send images over network needed computers with graphics capability and also higher network bandwidth.

That’s right… if the OG nerds didn’t realize they could use computers to whack it, we might still be writing letters.

The mobile revolution is bringing proximity and location-based services to the forefront, and with it comes the temptation of using said technology to sow one’s royal oats.

Enter Skout fpr the iPhone and Android:

Skout is a mobile, real-time, location-based dating platform that helps people meet singles in their vicinity by chatting and sharing photos and other user-generated content.

Am I the only one that thinks that there is no chance girls use this app?  Everyone knows hot chicks don’t need the internet to get laid.  You only need one lonely night with a few bottles of MD 20/20 and Craigslist to figure that out.  Why on earth would they rely on mobile?

Skout had 1 million sign ups as of July 2010.  Odds are that 999,000 of them are dudes.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be using Skout to tap into that 1,000.

Beef Supreme is Editor-in-Chief of the Idiocratic Post.